Two-Second Rule

The two-second rule is not an updated version of the five-second rule for our fast-paced society. In fact, it has nothing to do with eating food off the floor or ground at all—that’s disgusting; the two-second rule is an easy, quick way to ensure that you’ll never have to clean the inside of your microwave oven again.

After doing years of exhaustive research, I’ve come to the conclusion that every time food has exploded inside of a microwave, it has done so during the final second of cooking. There has never been an exception to this rule. If you toss a cheesy, saucy lasagna into the microwave for 3:00, then it will explode at 2:59, and the splattered remnants of baked-on sauce will haunt you for the next five years. Set the time for 2:58, though, and you’ll be taken on a nostalgic journey back to the days of your youth when you, mom, dad, sis, and Rover dined in a scene reminiscent of a Father Knows Best episode.

Cook the instant oatmeal for 1:30, and the stress from seeing a lava of hot oatmeal that rivals the molten rock spilling from Kilauea will instantly increase your risk of a heart attack. Set the time for 1:28, though, and you’ll enjoy a lovely breakfast full of the heart-healthy goodness of whole oats.

For years of peaceful co-existence with your microwave, remember to subtract at least two seconds from your cooking time. Either that, or you could learn to use power-level 9 instead of power-level 10…but that would be too easy!


Paul’s book–Literally, the Best Language Book Ever;

Sherry’s Grammar List

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