Endorsements are now more popular than fruit flies at a blackened banana convention, and now that the has officially endorsed Barack Obama, supporters of have been clamoring for our endorsement. With that in mind, officially endorses SpongeBob SquarePants in his grass roots—make that seaweed roots—campaign to become the next president of the United States.

The choice was easy. Mr. SquarePants is a winner; everything he touches seems to work out well, and that’s very important in a world in which we have many, many problems. Also, everyone (except for Squidward, who doesn’t like anyone) gets along with the little yellow guy, so we finally really will have someone who will be able to reach out to and work with those on both sides of the cash register—we mean aisle.

Unlike the incumbent president, SpongeBob has an excellent work ethic. He’ll set a record for the fewest, rather than the most, vacation days taken while in office, and he’ll be ready to work on his very first day in the White Pineapple. 

He is also a man of peace; in one of the seedier parts of Bikini Bottom (insert your own joke here–this is a family Web site), he defused a potentially explosive situation with his renowned grace. When one fish used the ridiculously immature and inarticulate “bring it on” line on another fish, SpongeBob calmly stepped between the would-be combatants and said, “What we need here is to bring it off.” What simple, eloquent brilliance in these times of confrontation and uncontrolled emotion.

We could continue listing many of his qualifications, but it might be best to address what many of his opponents will undoubtedly attack as his weaknesses.

Many of those who believe that Hillary Clinton showed signs of weakness by almost shedding a couple of tears will undoubtedly point out that SpongeBob has a tendency to shed the odd tear himself. Ok, so maybe it’s more than the odd tear. Ok, it’s more like he cries so much that he, not global warming, might be the cause of the rising sea level. We at believe that this alleged weakness is actually one of his great strengths; we need a sensitive leader, and SpongeBob is certainly sensitive.

In the past, there have been rumors and negative publicity about Mr. SquarePants’ sexual orientation; however, SpongeBob has neither confirmed nor denied any of the rumors. Regardless, surely civilization has grown beyond such homospongi-phobic attitudes.

Please join in the support of SpongeBob SquarePants as the next president of the United States. Let’s finally make Bikini Bottom a reality for one and all.

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